Relationships are definitely something I wish to stay away from for as long as possible. I dated someone for a year and a half, but I have yet to get over the whole situation. Ryan, my ex-boyfriend and I have been talking a lot lately, bringing up the past, telling one another the things we miss, but we always avoid the actual reason we broke up.
Last night I decided I was tired of beating around the bush. Maybe I came off a little strong with anger, but he's seen my angry before and he knows when to take me seriously. Last night I was dead serious. I began to bring up how bad of person he is now, which was definitely the wrong approach because I'm the reason we broke up. I really didn't have much room to talk... at all. I saw a huge difference between us though, which he definitely didn't react well to hearing either. I told him that I was capable of admitting being in the wrong, Ryan, he wont admit he's in the wrong until someone catches him being a hypocrite.
I didn't mean to come off as a bitch or some psycho, but at the time everything was just built up and I honestly couldn't stand it anymore. He eventually stopped texting me so I felt really bad, but things needed to be said and I hate acting like nothing is wrong. When we talk there's definitely a huge pink elephant in the room. I think it's pretty ridiculous to text, but he's thousands of miles away from and hearing his voice on the phone might make me break down a little more.
I still love him and I know that may sound ridiculous considering I'm only 17, but it's true. I don't expect us to get back together or anything like that, I just want to be as okay as possible with each other because we had went through so much together. It's been five months since we've broken up and I still think about him throughout most of my day. Call me crazy.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Can Words Really Explain?
To be honest, finding words to describe my best friend is close to the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Not that I just draw a blank when someone asks about my best friend or anything, or that I have nothing nice to say, it's simply because I don't really think there are worthy enough words for her. Caroline McPherson, my best friend, means so much more than just words to me. We have a true bond that has proven itself never to be broken.
Let me start out by saying this, "best friend" doesn't begin to claim what she is to me. I would like to refer to her as my sister, or even my other half. We've been friends since sixth grade, which now makes us friends for six years. High school was a tough time for us, but all of our troubles and flaws seem to have steered us towards one another for a specific purpose.
Caroline is definitely one of the smartest people I know in this world. We share everything from secrets to clothes, but recently she shared something with me that made my respect for her as a person overflow. Her and I have made multiple bad decisions, always being there to help one another and saying our favorite confidence booster, "Shit happens." But I no longer feel this saying is necessary for her. She's has transformed into a smart, young women, with the drive and motivation of Lance Armstrong, I swear.
Her epiphany, as stupid and girly as it sounds, was that she no longer plans to follow the footsteps of her boyfriend after graduation. Don't get me wrong, she loves him to death, but she's come to realize that she needs to value herself so much more as a person. She knows deep down that she is capable of just about anything in this world and nothing in life will hold her back from that. Her strength and stability as a person will take her so far in life and I am truly happier than ever for her. To me she is family and if she is happy, than so am I.
Let me start out by saying this, "best friend" doesn't begin to claim what she is to me. I would like to refer to her as my sister, or even my other half. We've been friends since sixth grade, which now makes us friends for six years. High school was a tough time for us, but all of our troubles and flaws seem to have steered us towards one another for a specific purpose.
Caroline is definitely one of the smartest people I know in this world. We share everything from secrets to clothes, but recently she shared something with me that made my respect for her as a person overflow. Her and I have made multiple bad decisions, always being there to help one another and saying our favorite confidence booster, "Shit happens." But I no longer feel this saying is necessary for her. She's has transformed into a smart, young women, with the drive and motivation of Lance Armstrong, I swear.
Her epiphany, as stupid and girly as it sounds, was that she no longer plans to follow the footsteps of her boyfriend after graduation. Don't get me wrong, she loves him to death, but she's come to realize that she needs to value herself so much more as a person. She knows deep down that she is capable of just about anything in this world and nothing in life will hold her back from that. Her strength and stability as a person will take her so far in life and I am truly happier than ever for her. To me she is family and if she is happy, than so am I.
Friday, September 23, 2011
My little one
I don't have a kid, nor do I plan to have one anytime soon. "My little one" refers to my younger sister; although you might as well call her my child considering I'm the closest thing she has to a mother. It may or or may not be wrong of me, but I worry about my younger sister, Lexi, more than anything else in this world. I know she's in high school and she should be able to take responsibility for her own actions, but with her maturity rate I feel like it will never happen.
A few nights ago, my mother, or what I would like to refer to her as, my guardian, came home in a rage I've never seen before. Lexi and her were screaming at each other at two in the morning. I understand that Lexi isn't the perfect child, but what I don't understand is why a mother is able to say such cruel things to her own children. She was slamming doors, cursing, acting rather childish if you ask me. Lexi is a very sensitive person, and our mother knows this, and all she could do was cry. My mother began attacking her weak points and imperfections.
"What is wrong with you?" repetitively came out of her mouth.
Lexi struggles without a father figure around and struggles even more with the fact that our mom rarely ever comes home. Even though I knew my mom had some fairly good reasons to be furious, I knew that what she was doing was wrong so I decided to get out of bed and stick up for Lexi. This confidence of mine ended with a grounding from my mother.
Aside from my frustration with the grounding, I knew my sister needed someone at the moment, but I also knew she needed some space. I've found three suicide notes from her in the past and I couldn't stand to think of her being in pain to write another so I made excuses to go check on her every time I heard her moving around through the wall. I was so sick to my stomach at the thought of her hurting that i stayed awake for two hours before eventually falling back asleep after I was for sure she was asleep again.
I really fear for what might happen to her once I'm out of the house.
A few nights ago, my mother, or what I would like to refer to her as, my guardian, came home in a rage I've never seen before. Lexi and her were screaming at each other at two in the morning. I understand that Lexi isn't the perfect child, but what I don't understand is why a mother is able to say such cruel things to her own children. She was slamming doors, cursing, acting rather childish if you ask me. Lexi is a very sensitive person, and our mother knows this, and all she could do was cry. My mother began attacking her weak points and imperfections.
"What is wrong with you?" repetitively came out of her mouth.
Lexi struggles without a father figure around and struggles even more with the fact that our mom rarely ever comes home. Even though I knew my mom had some fairly good reasons to be furious, I knew that what she was doing was wrong so I decided to get out of bed and stick up for Lexi. This confidence of mine ended with a grounding from my mother.
Aside from my frustration with the grounding, I knew my sister needed someone at the moment, but I also knew she needed some space. I've found three suicide notes from her in the past and I couldn't stand to think of her being in pain to write another so I made excuses to go check on her every time I heard her moving around through the wall. I was so sick to my stomach at the thought of her hurting that i stayed awake for two hours before eventually falling back asleep after I was for sure she was asleep again.
I really fear for what might happen to her once I'm out of the house.
Friday, September 16, 2011
When it comes to being a senior at Sterling High School, there a certain moments you really look forward to other than graduationg. The most important and significant of all activities, homecoming week. Homecoming week is filled with multiple activities including powerpuff, dress days, assembleys, the football game, and the actual homecoming dance.
As a senior you have certain privelidges during this crazy week; front row at both football games and homecoming aseembleys, messing with freshman, and screaming the senior chant along with our year of graduation. We seniors like to take complete advantage of the fact that we are superior to all other classes and get away with whatever we can.
Homecoming weeks starts with an assembly introdcuing all the various activities and fund raisers that we will be doing throughout the week. On Wednesday of homecoming week, we play the tradition powderpuff football games, where the sophomores play the juniors, and the seniors beat down the little 'ol freshman. Directly after the poderpuff games is the bonfire where all students gather to dance and listen to music; I think this is just to prepare u for the actual dance. Friday of homecoming week is where everything really kicks off. We have our official homecoming assembley, followed by the parade, and when the wind starts to chill, the football game begins. Bright and early the next morning, all girls wake bright and early to begin their beauty appointments, while boys sleep in and get ready 20 minutes before the homecoming dance starts.
Ever since freshman year, I have always had a cross country meet on the day of the homecoming dance. And of coarse these long, tiring, hot, sweaty, smelly races are out of town, which leaves all of us cross country girls with only a few hours to pull it all together and look our best. I like to think that this disadvantage we have of time leads to an actual advantage; it makes our night seem even more exciting when we know that after our painful race, we're all going to have the nights of our live.
As a senior you have certain privelidges during this crazy week; front row at both football games and homecoming aseembleys, messing with freshman, and screaming the senior chant along with our year of graduation. We seniors like to take complete advantage of the fact that we are superior to all other classes and get away with whatever we can.
Homecoming weeks starts with an assembly introdcuing all the various activities and fund raisers that we will be doing throughout the week. On Wednesday of homecoming week, we play the tradition powderpuff football games, where the sophomores play the juniors, and the seniors beat down the little 'ol freshman. Directly after the poderpuff games is the bonfire where all students gather to dance and listen to music; I think this is just to prepare u for the actual dance. Friday of homecoming week is where everything really kicks off. We have our official homecoming assembley, followed by the parade, and when the wind starts to chill, the football game begins. Bright and early the next morning, all girls wake bright and early to begin their beauty appointments, while boys sleep in and get ready 20 minutes before the homecoming dance starts.
Ever since freshman year, I have always had a cross country meet on the day of the homecoming dance. And of coarse these long, tiring, hot, sweaty, smelly races are out of town, which leaves all of us cross country girls with only a few hours to pull it all together and look our best. I like to think that this disadvantage we have of time leads to an actual advantage; it makes our night seem even more exciting when we know that after our painful race, we're all going to have the nights of our live.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I finally decided to break the news to my mother of my decision to join the military. Problem was, i didnt exactly think out how to approach the conversation. Let's just say that my approach wasn't exactly the greatest, and it did something along the lines of make her heart drop. It started out like this
"Mom, I need to talk to you about something"
Now keep in mind that my mom has two children, only teenage girls. I'm sure you can imagine the first thought that ran through her head when I spoke those words. Immediately after letting those words out of my mouth, I knew I had given off a bad signal. Her eyes grew wide and her lips barely opended enough to let the slightest noise out. With a leap of enthusiasm I assured her that I wasn't pregnant.
After we were a little further into our conversation, I came to realize that news of a grandaughter might have suited her better. Although she was supportive and respected my decision, she let me know that it wasn't her first choice, but as long as i was happy, so was she.
"Mom, I need to talk to you about something"
Now keep in mind that my mom has two children, only teenage girls. I'm sure you can imagine the first thought that ran through her head when I spoke those words. Immediately after letting those words out of my mouth, I knew I had given off a bad signal. Her eyes grew wide and her lips barely opended enough to let the slightest noise out. With a leap of enthusiasm I assured her that I wasn't pregnant.
After we were a little further into our conversation, I came to realize that news of a grandaughter might have suited her better. Although she was supportive and respected my decision, she let me know that it wasn't her first choice, but as long as i was happy, so was she.
Beginning of the Near End
We undergo many changes in life; family and friends remind us of this every day, both intentionally and accidentally. I believe I am a prime example of change. My mind wanders with crazy ideas involving change every second of every day, but that has now been put to rest because I have officially decided what I plan to do with my life. I am joining the United State's Military. My original plan was to join the Air Force, but apparently you can't have asthma. When I first came across the news of my rejection to the Air Force, my heart was crushed. It hurt to know that even though i had finally felt like I was on the right path in life, I wasn't good enough to make the cut; but still I was determined to make anything work.
Although I had been rejected, I knew I needed to find an alternative. I began asking myself if there was some other possibility. In my mind, I always tell myself there's always another way. It just so happened that on the day of my rejection, army recruiters were visiting my school, using innocent and mindless youngsters as their prey. Infuriated by my bad news, with my head held high, I marched up to those army men and asked if they had asthma; one responded yes. I took this answer as my "alternative" and right then and there decided on the United State's Army. Both recruiters and I set up an appointment for them to answer any questions that I may have, take practice tests, and speak to my parents.
This change in military branches made me feel in a way, stronger, than most. I feel that others may not have strived to figure out another way after rejection, but I indeed found that other way. The rejection and alternative feel right, and i am confident with my new decisions.
Although I had been rejected, I knew I needed to find an alternative. I began asking myself if there was some other possibility. In my mind, I always tell myself there's always another way. It just so happened that on the day of my rejection, army recruiters were visiting my school, using innocent and mindless youngsters as their prey. Infuriated by my bad news, with my head held high, I marched up to those army men and asked if they had asthma; one responded yes. I took this answer as my "alternative" and right then and there decided on the United State's Army. Both recruiters and I set up an appointment for them to answer any questions that I may have, take practice tests, and speak to my parents.
This change in military branches made me feel in a way, stronger, than most. I feel that others may not have strived to figure out another way after rejection, but I indeed found that other way. The rejection and alternative feel right, and i am confident with my new decisions.
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